CARBON PAPER MAY HAVE DOUBLED COST OF NET ZERO

Finance department suspends all unnecessary duplication

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

An investigation has been launched after a Conservative estimate of the cost of net zero was found to contain figures apparently counted twice.

The original estimate was approximately 478 billion pounds. The figure printed in the published document was approximately 957 billion pounds. Both figures have been rounded, which this newspaper regards as the first difficulty.

Investigators visited the accounting department, where staff demonstrated that a sheet of carbon paper allows two copies of a document to be produced at the same time. Both sheets were found to contain exactly the same figures.

The newspaper considers this a significant breakthrough. It suggests that the cost of a government policy may increase considerably simply by producing additional paperwork.

Two copies of 478 billion pounds come to 956 billion. The published figure is 957 billion. The remaining billion is believed to be the paper.

The inquiry then examined whether a photocopier might have a greater effect still. An ordinary office machine was found capable of producing hundreds of identical documents within minutes. The consequences for public spending are still being calculated.

The finance department has recommended an immediate suspension of unnecessary duplication while the matter is investigated.

A circular has been issued to every department instructing staff not to produce additional copies of financial documents without written authorisation.

Copies of the circular have been sent in triplicate.

GREYMINSTER PUPIL SETS FIVE TESTS FOR SCHOOL BUDGET

Junior pupil attended budget meeting in a public house

By Mr Sleeper, Politics Correspondent

Greyminster School pupil Andrew Griffith has presented five tests for the school budget. The Weekly Wally understands that the proposals were discussed at a meeting in the Dispatch Box public house, with Andrew accompanied by his teacher, Miss Kemi.

The meeting was chaired by John Healey, whom this newspaper has identified as the school's chief examiner. Mr Healey was seen examining Andrew's exercise book, although it remains unclear whether the five tests concerned school expenditure or the pupil's arithmetic.

This newspaper has further established that the tests were set by the pupil and are to be sat by the examiner. No explanation for this arrangement has been offered.

Miss Kemi assured those present that Andrew had completed his homework. The exercise book contained five rules, but the supporting calculations proved difficult to locate. The newspaper understands that the examiner has requested further working before awarding any marks.

The examination board has also asked whether Andrew counted any of his figures twice. Officials have requested a second copy of his calculations in order to establish whether a second copy already exists.

The meeting has also raised questions about the presence of a junior school pupil in a public house. Although Andrew was accompanied by his teacher, our correspondent considered it necessary to establish what he had been drinking. Initial reports suggested a glass of the hard stuff. Further inquiries established that it contained water.

The examination board has yet to announce whether Andrew passed his five tests. The newspaper can however report one encouraging development.

Somebody has remembered to write their name at the top.

APPLICATIONS NOW REQUIRED TO BOIL A KETTLE

Householders advised to keep a pen available at all times

By Our Staff Reporter

Apple has announced a new household device which, this newspaper understands, supports applications.

An urgent review has accordingly been undertaken of the applications required before domestic appliances can be operated. Householders are advised to keep a pen available at all times.

A provisional schedule of forms has been prepared for boiling a kettle, operating a toaster and switching on the kitchen light. An additional application will be required if the light is needed to find the original form.

The newspaper's correspondent attempted to download twelve applications. All twelve appeared on the device. None provided space for a signature or a passport photograph.

The device was later found to photograph householders itself, and to distinguish between as many as six of them. No copy has been supplied for the file.

The forms department has declared the entire system defective.

One householder has decided not to use his toaster until the necessary paperwork has been approved. The newspaper understands that breakfast was delayed while officials established which department had responsibility for toast.

The householder was eventually advised that permission could not be considered without the appropriate application.

He has submitted a written request for the form that allows him to request the appropriate application.

By the time permission was granted, the approved breakfast period had expired.

CHURCH IDENTIFIED AS POSSIBLE EVERTON PURCHASER

Investigators confirm the collection plate is capable of receiving money

By Mr Marker, Football Correspondent

Everton's owners are exploring possible investment options, including the sale of a controlling interest in the club.

The Weekly Wally can reveal that it has identified a previously overlooked potential purchaser. St Luke's Church stands in the corner of Goodison Park.

Investigators have established that the church is extremely close to the football ground and that its collection plate is used to receive money. This newspaper considers both findings significant. The amount available remains unknown.

Questions have arisen about what would follow if the church assumed control. Season ticket holders might be required to attend Sunday services, while players missing penalties could be referred for additional prayers.

The investigation was complicated by conflicting statements from the two grounds. Hill Dickinson Stadium described the repeated sale discussions as grinding it down.

Goodison Park says it has been ground down since 1892.

No formal offer has yet been traced to St Luke's, although our correspondent believes negotiations may already have reached the prayer stage.

The newspaper is now attempting to establish whether the collection plate accepts contactless payments.

UNDER INVESTIGATION

Whether carbon paper grows on trees.
Whether Perugia is a country.
Whether the second hand of a clock is in fact the third.
Whether the collection plate belongs to the church or the congregation.
Whether the guitar has been tuned.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Nigel’s on the Take Again, opens the music video in a new tab

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Nigel’s on the Take Again, set in The Cadgers Arms with a punk-styled man holding a pint while a blonde woman kisses his cheek and holds a five-pound note.

His round remains under investigation.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.

WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR

The estimate was 478 billion pounds.
The estimate was 957 billion pounds.
Both figures have been published.
Two copies of 478 billion pounds come to 956 billion.
One billion pounds remains unaccounted for.
This newspaper has drawn its own conclusions.
Further copies are expected.

CARBON PAPER SUPPLIES UNDER REVIEW

Harvesting continues as finance department considers restrictions

Two workers harvest dark carbon-paper sheets from a tree; a woman examines one beside a wicker basket, while a man works from a ladder.

Gathering under way. The finance department has asked that none of it be used.

The Weekly Wally has obtained photographs of what appears to be an established source of carbon paper.

The pictures show workers collecting sheets from the branches of a tree. A basket already contains a substantial quantity, suggesting that harvesting had begun before this newspaper’s investigation.

The finance department has declined to confirm whether the material forms part of its approved stationery supply.

Initial inquiries suggest that this year’s yield may be lower than expected. Officials have therefore been asked whether the shortage could affect the number of copies produced by government departments.

One supplier explained that carbon paper was traditionally used to produce additional copies without requiring documents to be written again. The newspaper considers this information particularly relevant to its investigation into duplicated financial estimates.

A further inspection has been requested to determine whether the sheets can be used immediately or must first undergo processing.

Until the investigation is complete, the finance department has advised that no additional copies should be made.

The instruction has been forwarded to the harvesting team.

EXAMINER’S QUALIFICATIONS UNDER INVESTIGATION

School awaits confirmation of who is authorised to mark the answers

Greyminster Education Authority has begun an inquiry into the qualifications required to examine an examiner.

The question arose after pupil Andrew Griffith set five tests for the examiner, John Healey.

School officials have confirmed that the tests may proceed, but nobody has established who is responsible for marking them.

Miss Kemi has offered to supervise. The authority is examining whether supervision constitutes an examination and, if so, whether she must first be supervised herself.

A provisional marking committee has been formed. Its first meeting was adjourned after members discovered that none had been authorised to decide whether the others were qualified.

The school has proposed appointing an external examiner. That proposal has encountered difficulties because the external examiner would need to be examined before taking up the position.

The authority has now established a separate committee to investigate who should examine the external examiner.

Meanwhile, Andrew has requested his results.

Officials explained that the five tests cannot yet be marked because the marking procedure has not passed its own assessment.

The authority regards this as evidence that the examination system is working.

A certificate of competence has been prepared. It remains unsigned because nobody is qualified to issue it.

A GUIDE TO GREYMINSTER SCHOOL

An educational establishment with unusually convenient access to licensed premises

Greyminster School has established a reputation for taking education beyond the classroom.

Its pupils regularly attend meetings in local public houses, where the school says they gain practical experience of economics, politics and waiting to be served.

The question of age has caused occasional difficulties. Officials explain that pupils are admitted without trouble because they arrive carrying briefcases and are rarely challenged.

The landlord has confirmed that he has no objection to educational visits, provided somebody pays for the crisps.

The prospectus describes the arrangement as an important part of the school’s commitment to practical learning.

Its most recent inspection praised the pupils’ grasp of procedure but expressed concern that nobody had brought a pencil.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac — Who is he?

The investigation into Tac’s identity has suffered a setback following the discovery of two apparently identical files.

Both have been examined. Neither can be established as the original.

Officials have requested a further copy for comparison.

His Species and Threat Level remain Unknown. His classification as Observer remains unchanged. His Status remains Monitoring.