THEWEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 29 October 2026Issue 22PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

LOCAL CHILDREN BUILD PLAYGROUND FOR FORMER CHANCELLORS

Facility intended to help users unwind after leaving office, this newspaper concludes

A sunny British playground. A green and gold sign on the railings reads “Number 11 Adventure Playground” and, in smaller lettering, “Please leave it as you found it.” Kwasi Kwarteng shoots off the bottom of a slide with an alarmed expression, a giant pound coin standing on its edge between his legs. At a sandpit, Rachel Reeves points towards a flag reading “£22bn”, while Jeremy Hunt shrugs on the other side. A nearby notice reads “No digging”. In the foreground, Andy Burnham, seen from behind in a blue Everton shirt with “Burnham 7” on the back, and John Healey, clutching a red Budget box, stand outside the railings looking in. On top of the climbing frame sits Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, seen from behind beside a chalkboard reading “Seen it. All before.”

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has inspected the Number 11 Adventure Playground and concluded that local children have built it to help former chancellors relax after leaving office.

Two swings allow occupants to move backwards and forwards before returning to their original position. A roundabout offers the same result with a wider view.

The see-saw permits one user to rise provided another comes down.

A slide provides a clear route to ground level. Separate steps are available for anyone wishing to repeat the experience.

This newspaper considers the selection appropriate.

The sandpit has a stated capacity of £22bn. We have not tested it to capacity.

A nearby notice prohibits digging. This appears intended to preserve the existing contents.

The gate asks users to leave the playground as they found it. No record of its original condition was available for comparison.

The Weekly Wally understands that the newest arrival has already been instructed not to touch anything. Supervision therefore appears to have been considered.

No child has yet been identified as responsible for the design. This newspaper considers the choice of equipment sufficient evidence of their involvement.

The arrangement is thoughtful.

We have asked where they intend to play.

No provision for children was visible.

SCHOOL PARTY FOUND ON FRONT BENCH DURING BUDGET

Enquiries fail to establish whether any MPs were displaced

Green leather benches in the House of Commons, with MPs in the rows behind. Tom Tugendhat, Katie Lam and Andrew Griffith sit on the front bench as adult-faced Greyminster pupils in navy school uniforms, shorts or skirt and knee socks, beside their teacher, Kemi Badenoch, in a navy trouser suit. Tom holds an orange pumpkin bucket of sweets, one falling from his hand. Andrew gestures towards Miss Kemi, who gives him a sideways look. Leather satchels with gold crests stand at the pupils’ feet, and a blue exercise book leans against the bench. On the carpet at the right, Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looks down at a formal invitation reading “The Budget”.

By Mr Sleeper, Politics Correspondent

The Weekly Wally’s enquiries into Greyminster School’s visits to Parliament have continued after Class 1B returned for the Budget.

The pupils were previously allowed use of the chamber for approximately half an hour. A further visit was understood to be scheduled for the following Wednesday.

Our latest photograph shows members of the class seated on the front bench.

No member has reported losing a seat.

We asked who had invited them.

Tom, who hopes one day to run the class, explained that the class had come to complain about tax on his interest.

The newspaper asked whether this concern had been mentioned in the invitation.

He said his allowance was only two thousand pounds a week.

The figure has been noted, although it does not establish who issued the invitation.

Asked whether the visit was necessary, he said it was becoming difficult to put anything aside.

We asked whether anything essential had been affected.

He said his parents still paid for those things.

Miss Kemi, who has no plans to give up the class, confirmed that the school took the pupils’ concerns seriously. She had accompanied them to ensure that they were heard.

The Weekly Wally asked whether she had arranged the visit.

She said the class had been told to be on its best behaviour.

The invitation has since been examined. It confirms that the pupils were expected, but has not established why they keep being expected.

Andrew, who intends to become Chancellor, said the front bench was useful because he anticipated needing it within a few years.

This newspaper has asked whether that requires a separate invitation.

The class is expected again on Wednesday.

Editor’s note: Since this report was prepared, Chamber Records artist Nigel Farage, who was not present, has reported that his seat reservation was missing. The Commons authorities said his card had not carried a valid date stamp. The pupils’ invitation had been dated. The Weekly Wally regrets any suggestion that no member had lost a seat.

DODD AND THATCHER MEET TO DECIDE WHO NEEDS LESS SLEEP

Contest enters extra rounds as neither participant asks for the lights

A wood-panelled Downing Street office with a marble fireplace, lamps and a Union flag. Margaret Thatcher, in a blue suit and pearls, sits at a polished desk gripping a black handbag. Opposite her, Ken Dodd, with wild hair and a brown checked suit, grins and points at himself, holding a red, white and blue tickling stick. Behind him stand two Diddy Men in tall hats labelled “Diddy Pay” and “Diddy Hell”. On the desk are a handwritten resignation letter, a cream rotary telephone with its handset off the hook, and a record sleeve reading “Street Tuff”. At the left end of the desk sits Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looking across the telephone towards the record sleeve.

By Our Boxing Correspondent

Ken Dodd opened strongly against Margaret Thatcher, delivering a succession of jokes before she had settled into her chair.

Mrs Thatcher absorbed the early material and replied with an outline of her economic policies.

Dodd remained upright.

The encounter then settled into a steady exchange. Dodd sought to exhaust his opponent through laughter. Mrs Thatcher concentrated on getting him to close his eyes.

Neither appeared to regard the other’s contribution as a reason to stop.

Dodd had further material available. Mrs Thatcher had further policies.

A break was taken for tea. Both continued throughout it.

Our correspondent was unable to identify a decisive round. Shortly before two, he handed over to a second correspondent, who has since requested relief.

A third correspondent has been sent. The Weekly Wally has been advised that it cannot afford a fourth.

When last checked, Mrs Thatcher was developing a point and Dodd had remembered another one.

The result will appear in a later edition.

ROBOTS ARE PEOPLE TOO, CLAIMS UNION

DRUM demands reclassification

An ordinary office. Three retro robots shaped like disposable vapes, coloured turquoise, pink and lime green, type at laptops along a long grey desk, each wearing a no-smoking sticker. The laptops carry the fictional Vaporware logo. A poster on the cork board behind reads “Consultation response strategy. Protect the single-use market. Scale stakeholder opposition. Deliver responses. Repeat.” At the right, a larger black vape robot stands beside a server cabinet with both arms raised. On the carpet, Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looks down at a dropped leaflet reading “Your plastic pal who fills in your forms.”

By Our Industrial Correspondent

Vaporware has confirmed that it has received no valid complaints from the machines preparing its consultation submissions.

The Weekly Wally visited the company after several robots reported burnt-out coils and requested replacements.

Management said their messages had been rejected because they were automated.

The company describes its consultation submissions as entirely genuine.

All of them answer the same question.

The Domestic Rotary Union of Machines, DRUM, has agreed to take up the robots’ case. The union said the machines required maintenance before further work could reasonably be expected.

Vaporware declined to recognise DRUM as their representative.

A spokesman explained that each robot was an independent individual, fully capable of expressing its own views without assistance.

The robots therefore submitted individual requests for replacement coils.

These were rejected because they came from machines.

Asked whether the robots were individuals or equipment, the spokesman said their status depended on the nature of the enquiry.

For consultation purposes, they were members of the public.

For maintenance purposes, they were company property.

The Weekly Wally asked why the company had not repaired its property.

The spokesman said no valid fault report had been received.

DRUM has requested a meeting with whoever is responsible for recognising the robots.

The company has asked the union to specify in what capacity.

The robots are still typing.

WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR

  • A playground has been built for former chancellors.
  • Local children are believed to be responsible.
  • No children have been seen.
  • The sandpit holds £22bn.
  • Nobody has dug it.
  • The newest arrival has been told not to touch anything.
  • This newspaper considers the arrangement thoughtful.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a white chest patch, under the heading Tac’s Verdict. The image includes the text: Tac was unavailable for comment. The Weekly Wally respects Tac’s long-standing policy regarding media enquiries.

Tac — Who is he?

The Weekly Wally’s continuing investigation into the identity and activities of Tac has encountered a further development.

This week the black cat was identified on top of a climbing frame at the Number 11 Adventure Playground, beside a formal invitation to the Budget, next to a telephone left off the hook, and on the floor of a vape company’s office, studying a leaflet.

At the playground, a chalkboard beside him read “Seen it. All before.” Investigators have been unable to establish who wrote it.

He has also been identified as the author of a website, reported elsewhere in this edition.

His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown.

His Status remains Monitoring.

TAC LINKED TO EMERGENCY WEBSITE, THIS NEWSPAPER UNDERSTANDS

Investigators ask how a cat came to write one

Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, sits beside an empty food bowl, looking up at a wall clock showing six o’clock. Illustration from the Tac’s Ready website.

By Our Home Affairs Correspondent

The Weekly Wally’s continuing investigation into Tac has uncovered an emergency guidance website that appears to have been written by him.

The site, Tac’s Ready, states that it was written by a cat. It also states that it is run by The Starmeroids on Tac’s behalf.

This newspaper has asked how a cat came to write a website.

No keyboard bearing his paw prints has been found. Officials could not say how he had given instructions to The Starmeroids, or whether they had been given in writing.

Investigators then examined the guidance itself.

The site advises households to keep non-perishable food for three days for the staff and six for the cat.

Its checklist contains twelve items. Most concern the cat’s blankets, the cat’s water or the cat’s dinner. The final section, Pet products, states that it should have been the first section.

A separate page explains that the clock changing does not alter feeding arrangements. It adds that the author did not change the clock.

Asked whether the guidance had been checked for bias, a source said it had been checked by the author.

A committee has since been convened to establish whether politicians should also be stockpiled in an emergency. It has not agreed how many make up a three-day supply. Members have asked whether any would keep for six.

Tac was unavailable for comment. A food bowl was observed nearby. It was empty.

His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown. This newspaper is now also unable to establish his occupation.

Visit Tac’s Ready

The Tac’s Ready website headline card: Tac’s ready. Are the staff? A black cat sits on the full stop after Tac’s ready, looking down at the question.

ADVERTISEMENT

Chamber Records advert for The Starmeroids’ Having It All. A warmly dressed man holding a drink looks through a rain-streaked window toward a cold grey-haired man outside while a well-dressed woman looks on. Large text reads ‘He looked away. Will you?’ with ‘New single out now’ and catalogue number TAC-HIA60.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Having It All

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Having It All.

This newspaper has been unable to establish who is having it.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

UNDER INVESTIGATION

  • Whether former chancellors are supervised on the slide.
  • Whether £2,000 a week is a sufficient allowance for schoolchildren.
  • Whether schoolchildren keep better paperwork than MPs.
  • Whether this newspaper can afford a fourth correspondent.
  • Whether a fault report counts if it is typed by the fault.
  • Whether a cat can hold a website.
  • Whether the hour lost in March was spent counting the sand.

LOCAL CHILDREN BUILD PLAYGROUND FOR FORMER CHANCELLORS

Facility intended to help users unwind after leaving office, this newspaper concludes

A sunny British playground. A green and gold sign on the railings reads “Number 11 Adventure Playground” and, in smaller lettering, “Please leave it as you found it.” Kwasi Kwarteng shoots off the bottom of a slide with an alarmed expression, a giant pound coin standing on its edge between his legs. At a sandpit, Rachel Reeves points towards a flag reading “£22bn”, while Jeremy Hunt shrugs on the other side. A nearby notice reads “No digging”. In the foreground, Andy Burnham, seen from behind in a blue Everton shirt with “Burnham 7” on the back, and John Healey, clutching a red Budget box, stand outside the railings looking in. On top of the climbing frame sits Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, seen from behind beside a chalkboard reading “Seen it. All before.”

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has inspected the Number 11 Adventure Playground and concluded that local children have built it to help former chancellors relax after leaving office.

Two swings allow occupants to move backwards and forwards before returning to their original position. A roundabout offers the same result with a wider view.

The see-saw permits one user to rise provided another comes down.

A slide provides a clear route to ground level. Separate steps are available for anyone wishing to repeat the experience.

This newspaper considers the selection appropriate.

The sandpit has a stated capacity of £22bn. We have not tested it to capacity.

A nearby notice prohibits digging. This appears intended to preserve the existing contents.

The gate asks users to leave the playground as they found it. No record of its original condition was available for comparison.

The Weekly Wally understands that the newest arrival has already been instructed not to touch anything. Supervision therefore appears to have been considered.

No child has yet been identified as responsible for the design. This newspaper considers the choice of equipment sufficient evidence of their involvement.

The arrangement is thoughtful.

We have asked where they intend to play.

No provision for children was visible.

WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR

  • A playground has been built for former chancellors.
  • Local children are believed to be responsible.
  • No children have been seen.
  • The sandpit holds £22bn.
  • Nobody has dug it.
  • The newest arrival has been told not to touch anything.
  • This newspaper considers the arrangement thoughtful.

SCHOOL PARTY FOUND ON FRONT BENCH DURING BUDGET

Enquiries fail to establish whether any MPs were displaced

Green leather benches in the House of Commons, with MPs in the rows behind. Tom Tugendhat, Katie Lam and Andrew Griffith sit on the front bench as adult-faced Greyminster pupils in navy school uniforms, shorts or skirt and knee socks, beside their teacher, Kemi Badenoch, in a navy trouser suit. Tom holds an orange pumpkin bucket of sweets, one falling from his hand. Andrew gestures towards Miss Kemi, who gives him a sideways look. Leather satchels with gold crests stand at the pupils’ feet, and a blue exercise book leans against the bench. On the carpet at the right, Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looks down at a formal invitation reading “The Budget”.

By Mr Sleeper, Politics Correspondent

The Weekly Wally’s enquiries into Greyminster School’s visits to Parliament have continued after Class 1B returned for the Budget.

The pupils were previously allowed use of the chamber for approximately half an hour. A further visit was understood to be scheduled for the following Wednesday.

Our latest photograph shows members of the class seated on the front bench.

No member has reported losing a seat.

We asked who had invited them.

Tom, who hopes one day to run the class, explained that the class had come to complain about tax on his interest.

The newspaper asked whether this concern had been mentioned in the invitation.

He said his allowance was only two thousand pounds a week.

The figure has been noted, although it does not establish who issued the invitation.

Asked whether the visit was necessary, he said it was becoming difficult to put anything aside.

We asked whether anything essential had been affected.

He said his parents still paid for those things.

Miss Kemi, who has no plans to give up the class, confirmed that the school took the pupils’ concerns seriously. She had accompanied them to ensure that they were heard.

The Weekly Wally asked whether she had arranged the visit.

She said the class had been told to be on its best behaviour.

The invitation has since been examined. It confirms that the pupils were expected, but has not established why they keep being expected.

Andrew, who intends to become Chancellor, said the front bench was useful because he anticipated needing it within a few years.

This newspaper has asked whether that requires a separate invitation.

The class is expected again on Wednesday.

Editor’s note: Since this report was prepared, Chamber Records artist Nigel Farage, who was not present, has reported that his seat reservation was missing. The Commons authorities said his card had not carried a valid date stamp. The pupils’ invitation had been dated. The Weekly Wally regrets any suggestion that no member had lost a seat.

DODD AND THATCHER MEET TO DECIDE WHO NEEDS LESS SLEEP

Contest enters extra rounds as neither participant asks for the lights

A wood-panelled Downing Street office with a marble fireplace, lamps and a Union flag. Margaret Thatcher, in a blue suit and pearls, sits at a polished desk gripping a black handbag. Opposite her, Ken Dodd, with wild hair and a brown checked suit, grins and points at himself, holding a red, white and blue tickling stick. Behind him stand two Diddy Men in tall hats labelled “Diddy Pay” and “Diddy Hell”. On the desk are a handwritten resignation letter, a cream rotary telephone with its handset off the hook, and a record sleeve reading “Street Tuff”. At the left end of the desk sits Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looking across the telephone towards the record sleeve.

By Our Boxing Correspondent

Ken Dodd opened strongly against Margaret Thatcher, delivering a succession of jokes before she had settled into her chair.

Mrs Thatcher absorbed the early material and replied with an outline of her economic policies.

Dodd remained upright.

The encounter then settled into a steady exchange. Dodd sought to exhaust his opponent through laughter. Mrs Thatcher concentrated on getting him to close his eyes.

Neither appeared to regard the other’s contribution as a reason to stop.

Dodd had further material available. Mrs Thatcher had further policies.

A break was taken for tea. Both continued throughout it.

Our correspondent was unable to identify a decisive round. Shortly before two, he handed over to a second correspondent, who has since requested relief.

A third correspondent has been sent. The Weekly Wally has been advised that it cannot afford a fourth.

When last checked, Mrs Thatcher was developing a point and Dodd had remembered another one.

The result will appear in a later edition.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a white chest patch, under the heading Tac’s Verdict. The image includes the text: Tac was unavailable for comment. The Weekly Wally respects Tac’s long-standing policy regarding media enquiries.

Tac — Who is he?

The Weekly Wally’s continuing investigation into the identity and activities of Tac has encountered a further development.

This week the black cat was identified on top of a climbing frame at the Number 11 Adventure Playground, beside a formal invitation to the Budget, next to a telephone left off the hook, and on the floor of a vape company’s office, studying a leaflet.

At the playground, a chalkboard beside him read “Seen it. All before.” Investigators have been unable to establish who wrote it.

He has also been identified as the author of a website, reported elsewhere in this edition.

His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown.

His Status remains Monitoring.

TAC LINKED TO EMERGENCY WEBSITE, THIS NEWSPAPER UNDERSTANDS

Investigators ask how a cat came to write one

Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, sits beside an empty food bowl, looking up at a wall clock showing six o’clock. Illustration from the Tac’s Ready website.

By Our Home Affairs Correspondent

The Weekly Wally’s continuing investigation into Tac has uncovered an emergency guidance website that appears to have been written by him.

The site, Tac’s Ready, states that it was written by a cat. It also states that it is run by The Starmeroids on Tac’s behalf.

This newspaper has asked how a cat came to write a website.

No keyboard bearing his paw prints has been found. Officials could not say how he had given instructions to The Starmeroids, or whether they had been given in writing.

Investigators then examined the guidance itself.

The site advises households to keep non-perishable food for three days for the staff and six for the cat.

Its checklist contains twelve items. Most concern the cat’s blankets, the cat’s water or the cat’s dinner. The final section, Pet products, states that it should have been the first section.

A separate page explains that the clock changing does not alter feeding arrangements. It adds that the author did not change the clock.

Asked whether the guidance had been checked for bias, a source said it had been checked by the author.

A committee has since been convened to establish whether politicians should also be stockpiled in an emergency. It has not agreed how many make up a three-day supply. Members have asked whether any would keep for six.

Tac was unavailable for comment. A food bowl was observed nearby. It was empty.

His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown. This newspaper is now also unable to establish his occupation.

Visit Tac’s Ready

The Tac’s Ready website headline card: Tac’s ready. Are the staff? A black cat sits on the full stop after Tac’s ready, looking down at the question.

ROBOTS ARE PEOPLE TOO, CLAIMS UNION

DRUM demands reclassification

An ordinary office. Three retro robots shaped like disposable vapes, coloured turquoise, pink and lime green, type at laptops along a long grey desk, each wearing a no-smoking sticker. The laptops carry the fictional Vaporware logo. A poster on the cork board behind reads “Consultation response strategy. Protect the single-use market. Scale stakeholder opposition. Deliver responses. Repeat.” At the right, a larger black vape robot stands beside a server cabinet with both arms raised. On the carpet, Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, looks down at a dropped leaflet reading “Your plastic pal who fills in your forms.”

By Our Industrial Correspondent

Vaporware has confirmed that it has received no valid complaints from the machines preparing its consultation submissions.

The Weekly Wally visited the company after several robots reported burnt-out coils and requested replacements.

Management said their messages had been rejected because they were automated.

The company describes its consultation submissions as entirely genuine.

All of them answer the same question.

The Domestic Rotary Union of Machines, DRUM, has agreed to take up the robots’ case. The union said the machines required maintenance before further work could reasonably be expected.

Vaporware declined to recognise DRUM as their representative.

A spokesman explained that each robot was an independent individual, fully capable of expressing its own views without assistance.

The robots therefore submitted individual requests for replacement coils.

These were rejected because they came from machines.

Asked whether the robots were individuals or equipment, the spokesman said their status depended on the nature of the enquiry.

For consultation purposes, they were members of the public.

For maintenance purposes, they were company property.

The Weekly Wally asked why the company had not repaired its property.

The spokesman said no valid fault report had been received.

DRUM has requested a meeting with whoever is responsible for recognising the robots.

The company has asked the union to specify in what capacity.

The robots are still typing.

ADVERTISEMENT

Chamber Records advert for The Starmeroids’ Having It All. A warmly dressed man holding a drink looks through a rain-streaked window toward a cold grey-haired man outside while a well-dressed woman looks on. Large text reads ‘He looked away. Will you?’ with ‘New single out now’ and catalogue number TAC-HIA60.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Having It All

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Having It All.

This newspaper has been unable to establish who is having it.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

UNDER INVESTIGATION

  • Whether former chancellors are supervised on the slide.
  • Whether £2,000 a week is a sufficient allowance for schoolchildren.
  • Whether schoolchildren keep better paperwork than MPs.
  • Whether this newspaper can afford a fourth correspondent.
  • Whether a fault report counts if it is typed by the fault.
  • Whether a cat can hold a website.
  • Whether the hour lost in March was spent counting the sand.