THEWEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 3 September 2026Issue 14PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

ALIENS SOLVE MP SECURITY CRISIS

Visitors studying British politics conclude MPs are “Milkshake Persons” — and have started deciding who needs protection

Two extraterrestrial observers on an observation deck compare profiles of Nigel Farage and Zack Polanski on large screens. Farage is marked as needing protection from milkshakes, while Polanski is marked as needing no milkshake protection. A separate monitor shows Tac classified as an Observer.

By our Speculation Correspondent

EXTRATERRESTRIAL observers have completed a security assessment of British political figures after apparently concluding that the letters MP stand for “Milkshake Person”.

Nigel Farage has been classified as requiring protection after investigators identified repeated previous milkshake incidents.

Green Party leader Zack Polanski received a more reassuring assessment. Alien records show him aiming to stand in the upcoming Holborn and St Pancras by-election to become a Milkshake Person, but report no previous milkshake incidents.

The observers have therefore concluded that “no milkshake protection” is currently required.

The Weekly Wally understands that Westminster has yet to adopt the extraterrestrial system of assessing political security according to previous contact with milkshakes.

It is not known whether this is because British authorities use a different risk-assessment system or have yet to understand the advantages of the alien method.

The aliens themselves remain under investigation by this newspaper after previously being discovered observing Earth from an unidentified Observation Room.

COMPLAINTS ABOUT COMPLAINING RISE

Farage warns Britain has become a “complainants’ society” — prompting questions over the correct procedure for complaining about it

Nigel Farage sits at a desk writing amid piles of correspondence and filing cabinets labelled Complaints. Tac watches beside a newspaper reporting Farage’s warning that Britain is a complainants’ society.

By our Complaints Correspondent

NIGEL FARAGE has complained that Britain has become a “complainants’ society”, leaving officials facing the possibility of complaints about the number of complaints being made.

The Reform UK leader said complaints about him and his party were leading to repeated investigations, claiming political opponents were constantly writing to authorities.

The Weekly Wally has been unable to establish whether there is an official body responsible for complaints about excessive complaining.

It is also unclear whether complaining to such a body would help tackle the problem or simply provide further evidence that Mr Farage is correct.

Our Complaints Department has been asked to investigate.

At the time of going to press, no complaint had been received about the investigation into complaints about complaining.

PARLIAMENT AND SCHOOLS RETURN. OFFICIALS EXPLAIN DIFFERENCE.

Both went back this week. The Weekly Wally has been trying to establish why only one requires qualified teachers.

Kemi Badenoch stands at the front of a classroom while members of the Shadow Cabinet sit at school desks in uniform, with Tac on the Opposition Dispatch Box. Classroom signs include rules, times tables and a Naughty Corner, while one pupil heads towards an Escape Hatch.

By Staff Reporter

SCHOOLS and Parliament have returned from their summer holidays, leaving The Weekly Wally attempting to establish the precise difference between them.

The Department for Education was able to confirm that schools contain pupils, teachers, registers and rules about acceptable behaviour.

Parliament contains MPs, a Speaker, registers and rules about acceptable behaviour.

This appeared to narrow the distinction considerably.

Further inquiries established that teachers may tell pupils to stop talking, while the Speaker may tell MPs to stop talking.

Schools may also remove badly behaved pupils from a classroom. MPs can be removed from the Chamber, although parliamentary authorities stressed that this does not constitute detention.

The investigation became considerably more difficult when photographs emerged apparently showing Kemi Badenoch supervising members of the Shadow Cabinet in a classroom.

The Weekly Wally has therefore identified one reliable difference.

If somebody misbehaves at school, their parents may be called. If somebody misbehaves in Parliament, they may be asked to appear on television.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

CLACTON MAN — The Starmeroids

A song about a man everyone in Clacton has heard of but nobody has actually seen. Doesn't mention Tooting either, which this newspaper considers increasingly suspicious. Available on all major platforms.