THEWEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 1 October 2026Issue 18PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

ENERGY POVERTY FALLS TO ZERO

Dramatic new figures show the Vulnerable Adults Total has fallen to 0%, prompting hopes that energy poverty may finally have been eliminated.

Executives in suits sit around a polished boardroom table beneath a large G.R.E.E.D. sign reading “Group of Retail Energy Executives and Directors”. Tac sits at the far right beside energy documents.

Tac examines the paperwork at a G.R.E.E.D. meeting. The customer was not understood to have been invited.

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

Energy poverty may have disappeared overnight after VAT on household electricity fell to zero. The Weekly Wally understands that VAT stands for Vulnerable Adults Total. A figure of 0% therefore means there are now no vulnerable adults left in the country. The development is expected to come as a considerable relief to energy companies, which can now concentrate on the important business of supplying energy without the distraction of customers who cannot afford it.

The End Fuel Poverty Coalition has attempted to dampen the celebrations. Responding to the VAT cut, it warned: “This breathing space is also not a cure.” Mr Assumption has examined this claim and found a serious flaw. If the Vulnerable Adults Total is zero, there is nobody left to cure. The Coalition may therefore be working from old figures.

Executives at G.R.E.E.D. — the Group of Retail Energy Executives and Directors — were understood to be studying the new figure carefully. Quite what was being discussed at the latest G.R.E.E.D. meeting remains unclear. One thing seems certain: putting the needs of the customer first was not on the agenda. The Weekly Wally understands that the disappearance of vulnerable adults could also simplify future decisions about energy prices. Any increase can now be considered without having to calculate its effect on people who, according to the latest VAT figure, no longer exist.

Mr Assumption has asked whether the government intends to apply the same successful statistical method to food poverty, homelessness and the cost of living. At the time of going to press, nobody had answered.

EDITOR’S NOTE

VAT stands for Value Added Tax. Mr Assumption has been removed from this story and asked to stop interpreting percentages until further notice.

WHAT ZERO VAT ACTUALLY MEANS

By Our Social Affairs Correspondent

The End Fuel Poverty Coalition was not saying that vulnerable people had disappeared. It was warning that removing VAT from domestic electricity bills, while welcome, does not solve the underlying problem of unaffordable energy. From 1 October, VAT on domestic electricity in Great Britain is temporarily reduced from 5% to 0%. Gas remains subject to 5% VAT.

Ofgem estimates that the change makes a typical annual bill about £45 lower than it otherwise would have been. But the energy price cap also rose today. For a typical household paying by direct debit for gas and electricity, the annualised cap has risen by about £60, from £1,663 to £1,723 — a 4% increase. So the tax saving has not produced a lower headline bill. It has reduced the size of an increase.

There may be a much larger rise to come. Cornwall Insight is currently forecasting that the typical annual bill could reach £1,999 in January — £276 above the October level, or around 16% higher. That is a forecast, not a confirmed price cap. Ofgem is due to announce the January level in late November.

National Energy Action says vulnerable and low-income households are already rationing essentials such as food and heating, while energy debt continues to grow. Its chief executive Adam Scorer has warned that there is “no light at the end of the tunnel” for vulnerable and low-income households and that another large rise in January would deepen the crisis.

Prime Minister Andy Burnham has also said he would not describe EDF’s warning of a “second energy crisis” as an overstatement. The End Fuel Poverty Coalition’s original warning therefore remains the important part of the story. The VAT cut gives households some breathing space. It does not mean the problem has gone away.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Having It All

Record cover for The Starmeroids’ Having It All. A frost-covered black glove reaches toward a weary grey-haired man in snow beneath the title. The Chamber Records logo appears at lower left and catalogue number TAC-HIA60 at lower right.

The court has reached its verdict. The sentence is continuation.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that no review has been scheduled.

THE COUNTRY IS BROKE

NATIONAL RUMMAGE BEGINS AFTER CHANCELLOR SAYS THE MONEY IS NOT THERE

John Healey kneels beside a green sofa holding a white hard hat marked OSBORNE. A red Budget box and mugs sit on the floor, while Tac watches beside a dot-matrix printout headed GOVERNMENT MONEY — SOME EXPENSIVE FAILURES.

Healey searches the sofa while Tac examines a different set of figures. The OSBORNE hard hat has been recovered.

By our household economics correspondent

Britain has begun searching down the back of the sofa after John Healey said the money was not there. Healey was photographed leading the operation personally, removing the cushions from a green sofa and recovering a white hard hat marked OSBORNE. Officials would not say whether the discovery had improved the public finances.

Households are now being encouraged to widen the search to coat pockets, kitchen drawers, biscuit tins, old handbags and anywhere else money may have been left unattended. Sources said items need not technically be money provided they could be sold.

Early progress was disrupted by an industrial dispute after washing machines accused the government of “sofa bias”. The newly formed Domestic Rotary Union of Machines, DRUM, said its members had spent decades recovering pound coins and loose change from trouser pockets without receiving proper recognition. A DRUM spokesperson said: “Sofas get mentioned every time. We have been finding money for years.”

The union also declared possession of a substantial strategic reserve of unmatched socks. Treasury officials questioned whether individual socks had any significant resale value. DRUM rejected the assessment and said their partners were merely “temporarily unaccounted for”.

Officials are understood to be modelling the likely five-year return from a full national rummage. Initial findings include loose change, foreign currency, several batteries of uncertain condition, old remote controls and a surprising number of keys for which no corresponding lock can be identified.

Meanwhile, Tac appeared to have adopted a different approach. While Healey searched the sofa, Tac was seen examining a dot-matrix report headed GOVERNMENT MONEY, SOME EXPENSIVE FAILURES. The Treasury has not confirmed whether this constitutes an alternative search strategy.

By the time The Weekly Wally went to press, the search had been widened to sheds, garages and the gap beside the driver’s seat. DRUM has requested representation on the national recovery taskforce.

LETTUCES COMPLETE MILLENNIA-LONG INTELLIGENCE MISSION

STRANDED OBSERVERS FINALLY FILE REPORT ON TRUSS AND MANCHESTER CITY

Liz Truss speaks at a lectern outside 10 Downing Street. Tac sits to her right beside a cardboard box marked 49 DAYS containing several wilted lettuces.

Tac watches the lettuces now identified by The Weekly Wally as stranded extraterrestrial observers. Liz Truss appears unaware that the mission is complete.

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

A group of lettuces discovered near Liz Truss have been identified as hyper-intelligent extraterrestrial observers who say they have spent several thousand years waiting to complete an intelligence mission involving the former prime minister and Manchester City. The lettuces arrived on Earth after what investigators described as a navigational incident. Their spacecraft had been intended to reach the present day but was thrown backwards through time, leaving its occupants stranded on the planet long before either of their surveillance targets existed.

Unable to return home, the visitors appear to have adopted what experts are calling a long-term observational posture. Generations of humans subsequently mistook them for vegetables. The Weekly Wally understands that their original briefing named both Liz Truss and Manchester City, although it remains unclear why either was considered important enough to justify an interstellar reconnaissance mission. The surviving paperwork is said to contain repeated references to political instability, football administration and the number 115.

The visitors’ choice of appearance may itself have resulted from a misunderstanding. According to material recovered with the mission, they intercepted the words “let us pray” in a religious broadcast and believed they had heard “lettuce pray”. Concluding that the message referred directly to them, they appear to have regarded the phrase as confirmation that they had reached the correct civilisation, even though they had arrived several millennia early. One official said this was “an understandable error given the acoustic conditions at the time”.

The lettuces then waited. Archaeologists are now re-examining a number of unexplained historical references to leafy vegetables to determine whether any record the progress of the mission. No conclusions have yet been drawn, although one researcher said the sudden appearance of salad at several important points in human history was “probably unrelated but worth putting in the file”. Their apparent wilting is also understood not to indicate poor health. Specialists believe it may be a low-power state developed to conserve energy during an unexpectedly long deployment.

The mission finally became operational when both Truss and Manchester City reached the period identified in the original briefing. The lettuces are now understood to have completed their observations and attempted to submit the intelligence gathered during their stay. This has created a fresh administrative difficulty.

Officials examining the report said much of the intelligence was collected before the invention of paper, filing cabinets, central government departments and, in several cases, the events being investigated. It is therefore unclear which department is responsible for receiving material that was gathered thousands of years before the relevant case existed. A spokesperson said the report could not yet be logged because its date of origin predates the current records system.

The lettuces are understood to be unhappy with the delay. One source close to the visitors said: “They have waited several thousand years to hand this in. They were expecting a slightly quicker turnaround.”

The photograph examined by The Weekly Wally shows Tac looking towards the lettuces while attention elsewhere is focused on Truss. Investigators are now considering whether the cat recognised their true status before anybody else. No explanation has yet been offered for how Tac would know what a stranded extraterrestrial intelligence officer looks like.

The intelligence report remains unopened. Officials said it would be dealt with in chronological order.

SCHOOL PARTY ALLOWED USE OF THE CHAMBER FOR HALF AN HOUR

The group was supervised throughout. One pupil had already been asked to leave.

Andy Burnham, seen from behind in a blue BURNHAM 7 football shirt, stands at the Commons dispatch box facing MPs dressed as Greyminster school pupils. Tac sits on the table between them while one bespectacled pupil points toward Burnham.

The Greyminster group during its half-hour in the chamber. One pupil had been asked to leave shortly before this photograph was taken.

By Mr Sleeper, Politics Correspondent

A party of pupils from Greyminster School visited the House of Commons on Wednesday and were permitted the use of the chamber for approximately half an hour. The group was accompanied by a member of staff, who remained seated and did not take part.

The visit followed the usual format. One adult stood at the front and answered questions. Pupils took it in turns to ask them, although several who had not been called continued regardless. The adult at the front was dressed for football. This newspaper has been unable to establish whether this formed part of the exercise.

At one point he explained a test by which decisions might be judged, named after the constituency he represents. A pupil at the back immediately offered a test of his own, named after a Mrs Francois. This newspaper assumed Mrs Francois was his mother. Officials were unable to confirm this.

Officials declined to confirm whether the two tests are of equal standing. Asked which took precedence, a spokesperson said the matter was under review. One pupil had been asked to leave shortly before our photograph was taken. This newspaper has been unable to establish his identity.

The group departed at the end of the session. A further visit is understood to be scheduled for next Wednesday.