COMMITTEE FINDS WAY BACK TO EUROPE

Scientists question the plan. Archivists demand to see the original paperwork.

At the White Cliffs of Dover, Andy Burnham pulls a rope towards continental Europe beside a crate of equipment. Tac is a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch. He watches the attempted geographical realignment.

By Our Political Correspondent

A government committee has announced that it has discovered a way to bring Britain closer to Europe, although scientists have warned that the proposal may encounter difficulties involving several hundred thousand years of geological history.

The Committee for Landmass Optimisation and Strategic European Realignment, known as C.L.O.S.E.R., was established following calls for Britain to develop closer relations with its European neighbours.

The project reportedly began when junior policy officer Hunter Dart read a Downing Street description of a “drive to get closer to Europe” and began costing the route.

His preliminary report recommended that the government investigate moving Britain itself.

Committee chairman Sir Basil Starr-Taft welcomed the proposal, describing it as a practical response to a longstanding geographical problem.

“We've spent years discussing how Britain can get closer to Europe,” Sir Basil said. “It seemed sensible to establish whether anyone had tried moving it.”

The committee's confidence increased after researchers identified evidence that Britain and continental Europe were once connected by a chalk ridge across what is now the Dover Strait.

Scientists believe enormous flows of water helped destroy the connection hundreds of thousands of years ago, creating the separation visible today.

Imperial College London scientists, announcing findings in 2017, described the prehistoric event as “Brexit 1.0”, terminology which the committee has enthusiastically adopted.

“If there was a Brexit 1.0,” Sir Basil said, “it follows that there must have been a time before it. We are simply investigating the possibility of returning to the previous arrangement.”

The committee's technical annex goes further.

It notes that Britain and France sit on the same tectonic plate, which it describes as “clear evidence that France is already on board”.

It also cites research showing that southern England has been gradually sinking since the last ice age, concluding that the country is “already sliding gently in the right direction”.

Scientists contacted by The Weekly Wally said that none of these findings meant what the committee thought they meant.

A committee spokesperson described the scientists' findings as “an extremely encouraging starting point”.

Asked whether the scientists supported the proposed method of reconnection, the spokesperson said the matter would be considered during the next phase.

However, the committee has encountered an unexpected obstacle from government archivists.

The archivists have formally objected to any work affecting the White Cliffs of Dover until a search for the original construction plans has been completed.

They believe important historical documentation may remain buried somewhere within the chalk.

When asked whether there was any evidence that the prehistoric land bridge had been constructed according to written plans, an archivist replied that no such evidence had yet been found.

“That,” he said, “is precisely why an investigation is necessary.”

The investigation has since widened following suggestions that the missing documents may concern something considerably more ambitious than the original Channel crossing.

According to one archivist, the material could include preliminary designs for an improved version of Earth.

“We understand that certain aspects of the original design may have been reconsidered,” he added. “We are particularly interested in establishing whether politicians were included in the initial specification.”

No evidence has been produced that these documents exist.

Nevertheless, the committee has accepted the archivists' request.

All physical work on the proposed geographical realignment has been suspended until the original plans can be located and examined.

This includes early trials on the clifftop at Dover using a length of rope. A crate of equipment remains on site.

Scientists have welcomed the suspension, while reiterating that the scheme was never physically achievable.

Sir Basil Starr-Taft described the outcome as an important milestone.

“We have completed the first phase, identified the principal obstacles and established the need for further investigation,” he said.

Asked when work might resume, he replied:

“That depends on how long it takes to find the paperwork.”

The committee has declared the first phase a success.

GREYMINSTER REPORTING SCHEME SWAMPS CLASS 1B

New political activism rules spark a wave of classroom complaints as rival headteachers dispute the date of the next election.

Inside Greyminster Class 1B, pupils and political figures gather around a classroom table beneath school notices and a Class 1B sign. Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, observes the classroom.

By Mr Sleeper, Politics Correspondent

Greyminster's Class 1B has introduced a new system for reporting political activism, with staff insisting that the scheme is operating exactly as intended despite a sharp rise in complaints.

The arrangements were introduced against the background of a disagreement between Greyminster headteacher Kemi Badenoch and Raveminster Comprehensive head Andy Burnham over the date of the next election to P.R.E.F.E.C.T., the Panel for the Review of Elections For Executive and Classroom Titles. The panel oversees elections across the country’s politically affiliated schools.

Mr Burnham maintains that the organisation's full election is not due until 2029. Mrs Badenoch says her sources suggest it could take place as early as May 2027.

Meanwhile, following Thursday’s P.R.E.F.E.C.T. by-election, Raveminster Comprehensive welcomed new pupil Sagal, who takes the seat vacated by former pupil Keir, who left at the end of last term.

Staff at Greyminster said the election dispute had nothing to do with their reporting system, which was intended to prevent political activism from interfering with lessons.

The first complaints were received shortly after registration. By mid-morning, the school's Naughty Corner was full.

Several pupils were sent there after being reported for breaking the rules. Others arrived after reporting so many classmates that they were themselves reported for excessive reporting.

A further complaint was lodged against the pupil who had reported the excessive reporters.

James Cleverly was last seen using the classroom's Escape Hatch. The school said it had not previously been aware that the classroom possessed one.

By lunchtime every pupil had reported every other pupil.

A spokesperson for P.R.E.F.E.C.T. said the reporting system had demonstrated that pupils were taking the rules seriously.

The organisation has not established whether any lessons took place.

LOST PROPERTY EXPERT NAMES OWNER

Property expert examines a collection of around seven million items, most handed in during 2024.

A wood-panelled lost-property office at Sloane Square contains labelled boxes, luggage, umbrellas and golf clubs. Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, watches the collection.

By Our Property Correspondent

“Who would lose a thing like this?” asked property expert Gordon Massly as he surveyed the polished mahogany counters, golf clubs, umbrellas, leather luggage and carefully labelled trays.

The room, in Sloane Square, contains boxes marked “Former Conservative voters”, “Blue Wall supporters”, “Traditional supporters”, “Reform-leaning voters”, “Shop window enquiries” and “Lost in 2024”. A black car outside carries the personalised number plate DEFECTR.

Mr Massly said the clues pointed overwhelmingly in one direction.

“The key is the ‘Lost in 2024’ label,” he explained. “Then you have the luggage, which clearly suggests an England team coach left in a hurry, and the golf clubs, which tell us the owner has recently had more free weekends than expected.”

He added that the blue rosettes were probably tournament decorations and dismissed suggestions that the contents might have anything to do with politics.

“There is also a very obvious waistcoat-shaped absence on one of the shelves,” Mr Massly said. “Once you see that, the case is effectively closed.”

He concluded that the entire collection almost certainly belongs to former England manager Gareth Southgate.

PUBLIC OUTRAGE AS D.I.E.S.E.L. SCHEME RISES TO £2

The Weekly Wally has been unable to establish why motorists are so angry about a national scheme apparently costing little more than the price of a sandwich.

At a satirical petrol station, vehicles queue near a fuel-price board and a display of unusual payment arrangements. Tac, a small black short-haired cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, watches the scene.

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has launched an investigation into D.I.E.S.E.L., the Departmental Index for Economic Stability, Employment and Levelling, following reports that the scheme has risen in price to 200.01p.

Officials have not explained what the department actually does, although the Wally understands that its work may involve maintaining a national index and ensuring that prices are levelled.

Consumer groups have reacted angrily to the figure, despite the Wally calculating that 200.01p is only just over two pounds.

“Two pounds is less than most sandwiches,” our consumer correspondent said. “Frankly, people need to calm down.”

Historical records appear to show a figure of just 52.9p in 1994, prompting concern that somebody may have allowed an administrative acronym to suffer thirty-two years of uncontrolled inflation.

Confusion increased after investigators examined a nearby payment board, which appeared to offer motorists a range of alternative settlement methods including an arm, a leg, the family silver and, for larger transactions, a first-born child.

The Wally understands these are accepted forms of payment and sees no obvious connection between them and the £2 D.I.E.S.E.L. charge.

One motorist was reportedly seen attempting to pay with miscellaneous household possessions, suggesting that some filling stations may also operate a barter scheme.

Officials were unavailable to explain whether D.I.E.S.E.L. is collected nationally, locally or by whoever happens to be standing behind the till.

UNDER INVESTIGATION

By The Weekly Wally Investigations Desk

The Weekly Wally continues its inquiries into several matters which remain unexplained.

Europe: Whether the government's C.L.O.S.E.R. committee has considered asking Europe to move towards Britain instead.
Education: Whether any lessons have taken place at Greyminster since the introduction of its new reporting system, and whether reporting the absence of lessons would itself constitute a reportable offence.
Geology: Whether the White Cliffs of Dover have always been white.
Lost Property: Whether Gareth Southgate has been informed that the collection may belong to him, and whether he intends to collect it.
Transport: Whether the Departmental Index for Economic Stability, Employment and Levelling accepts payment in arms and legs, or whether these must be surrendered directly to the filling station.

Investigations are continuing.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Nigel’s on the Take Again, opens the music video in a new tab

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Nigel’s on the Take Again, set in The Cadgers Arms with a punk-styled man holding a pint while a blonde woman kisses his cheek and holds a five-pound note.

His round remains under investigation.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.