WINNING MAY NO LONGER REQUIRE DEFEATING AN OPPONENT

Boxing traditionalists challenge controversial changes to the rules

A boxer carrying a hamburger and diesel can pitches backwards near the ropes as diesel spills. His opponent remains upright and the referee gestures.

By Our Sporting Correspondent

The world of heavyweight argument boxing has been thrown into turmoil following proposals to change the rules governing victory.

The controversy began when a contestant entered the ring carrying a hamburger and a can of diesel, spilled the fuel, lost his footing and declared victory while his opponent remained standing.

The Heavyweight Argument Standards Committee subsequently ruled that contestants were entitled to declare victory at any stage of a contest, regardless of the referee's decision.

Traditionalists have condemned the ruling, warning that it undermines the fundamental principle that one boxer should defeat the other.

Reformers argue that the existing rules discriminate against contestants who are losing but nevertheless believe they have won.

A proposal to prohibit contestants from bringing their own fuel into the ring was rejected after officials discovered that the rulebook contained no specific reference to diesel.

The contestant's representatives have argued that the spilled fuel is now part of the ring and therefore available to both competitors.

Officials are considering whether this satisfies the requirement for a level playing field.

The committee also considered whether competitors should be required to remain standing when declaring victory.

The amendment was defeated after members pointed out that it could prevent a boxer lying on the canvas from expressing his opinion.

A further proposal would allow contestants to challenge a referee's decision on the grounds that they had already announced the result.

Traditionalists have warned that the changes could lead to both contestants claiming victory simultaneously.

The committee said this would not necessarily be a problem. “Being correct has never been an explicit condition of declaring victory.”

The outcome of the original contest remains under review.

The contestant's declaration of victory does not.

JACKDAW APPROVED, BUT IS IT A SINGLE OR A GAS FIELD?

Editor orders both charts published together

Fictional offshore Jackdaw Approval Party at sunset, with Angela Rayner depicted at the DJ decks and revellers gathered by a gas installation.

By Mr Deadlock, Conflict Resolution Correspondent

An offshore celebration has left The Weekly Wally's music department uncertain whether it has been covering a new record or a North Sea gas field.

The confusion began when the music correspondent reported that Angela Rayner had been at the decks at the Jackdaw Approval Party, playing what he believed to be a new Scooter recording entitled J'adore Jackdaw.

The energy correspondent disputed the report, explaining that Jackdaw was a gas field rather than a recording artist.

The music correspondent replied that nobody had suggested the gas field was singing.

Both departments agreed that Scooter's original recording was called J'adore Hardcore, but disagreed over whether changing the title to Jackdaw represented a remix, a new release or a planning application.

An attempt to settle the matter by consulting the charts was unsuccessful.

The music department checked the singles chart. The energy department produced a chart showing projected gas production.

The editor ruled that both charts were relevant and ordered them to be published together.

Meanwhile, Rayner continued her performance, apparently unaware that the newspaper was having difficulty establishing what was being played.

The music correspondent has requested a copy of the record for review.

The energy correspondent has advised him that extraction has not yet begun.

COMPUTERS OFFERED PERSONAL HAPPINESS PACKAGE

Health correspondent investigates whether servers qualify for sick pay

A salesman carrying a PHP Personal Happiness Package briefcase outside a server company is stopped by security staff.

By Mr Patch, Corrections Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has welcomed reports of a new Personal Happiness Package promising to make computers 100 per cent happier within 30 days.

The scheme came to the newspaper's attention when a salesman carrying a PHP briefcase was refused admission to the Contented Server Company in Knotty Ash.

The company's security staff declined to purchase the package, prompting concerns that computers were being denied essential wellbeing services.

The newspaper's health correspondent immediately opened an investigation into whether computers experiencing difficulties should qualify for sick pay.

The personnel department reported that it had received no applications, although nobody had thought to ask the computers.

The investigation moved to the office canteen when the health correspondent suggested that an unhappy server might simply be suffering from poor nutrition.

The catering manager agreed to provide emergency lunches, and several computers were wheeled into the canteen while their dietary requirements were investigated.

The health correspondent ordered a balanced meal for each machine.

The catering manager asked whether they preferred chips or salad.

The day's special was scones with strawberry jam and Cornish cream.

At this point the technology correspondent arrived and explained that PHP was a programming language used to operate websites.

He further explained that computers required electricity rather than food, and that the problem involved security weaknesses requiring software updates.

The health correspondent withdrew his recommendation.

The catering manager cancelled the lunches.

The computers were wheeled back to their desks.

LETTUCE CHOIR FACES QUESTIONS OVER COMEBACK TOUR

Music correspondent asks whether the group has any fresh material

Liz Truss at the Downing Street lectern, with a group of wilted lettuces gathered nearby and a box labelled 49 DAYS.

By Our Entertainment Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has reopened its investigation into a photograph showing several wilted lettuces outside Downing Street during Liz Truss's resignation four years ago.

The newspaper has been unable to establish whether the group was singing at the time.

The mystery has acquired renewed importance following the announcement of a 49-day anniversary tour.

The music correspondent has questioned whether the original line-up is still intact and whether audiences can expect anything beyond the group's best-known number, Liz Who?

The promoter declined to discuss new material, but confirmed that a proposed fiftieth performance had been rejected because it would exceed the original engagement.

Asked whether the group was past its prime, he said preparations were proceeding as planned.

The promoter confirmed that the tour would end on schedule. “The advantage,” he said, “is that the audience will know precisely when it ends.”

UNDER INVESTIGATION

Whether spilled fuel forms part of the playing surface.
Why two different charts were submitted for the same Jackdaw record.
Whether the second hand of a clock is in fact the third.
Whether the group has recorded anything since.
Whether computers are entitled to a lunch break.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Nigel’s on the Take Again, opens the music video in a new tab

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Nigel’s on the Take Again, set in The Cadgers Arms with a punk-styled man holding a pint while a blonde woman kisses his cheek and holds a five-pound note.

His round remains under investigation.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.

WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR

The contest has not been decided.
The result has been announced.
The announcement was made on the way down.
The opponent is still standing.
Neither position has been withdrawn.
This newspaper has drawn its own conclusions.
The contest continues.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac — Who is he?

The Weekly Wally's continuing investigation into the identity and activities of Tac has encountered an unexpected development.

The black cat has been identified beside a heavyweight boxing ring, outside Downing Street and at a North Sea gas installation.

At the boxing venue, he was observed near a quantity of spilled diesel. Outside Downing Street, he appeared to be inspecting a box of wilted lettuces. His presence at the offshore celebration remains unexplained.

However, Tac was absent from a subsequent photograph showing a salesman attempting to enter a computer company's offices in Knotty Ash.

Investigators have been unable to establish whether Tac was elsewhere at the time or had simply decided that the matter did not require his attention.

His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown.

His Status remains Monitoring.

Officials stressed that his absence should not be interpreted as a loss of interest.

This newspaper agrees.