NEW POLL SHOWS 98 PERCENT OF VOTERS LOVE THE LOONIES

BUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE OTHER 2%?

Experts warn support for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party may now be irreversible.

Analysts say the remaining 2% are being closely monitored while efforts continue to determine exactly what is wrong with them. A government spokesperson confirmed that a review has been commissioned. The review is expected to report in due course. No further information was provided.

LOONY CANDIDATE GETS MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR

Candidate entered surgery seeking votes and emerged seeking painkillers.

A dentist examines a startled Loony Party candidate covered in campaign badges while Tac sits nearby and a newspaper headline is held behind them.

Routine canvassing session unexpectedly develops into full dental examination.

A local Loony Party candidate received an unexpected reminder about oral hygiene yesterday after a routine campaign visit to a dental practice took an unforeseen turn.

Witnesses report the candidate entered the surgery seeking votes and emerged seeking painkillers after becoming involved in what experts later described as an increasingly dental situation.

Mr Hope confirmed he had been shown a pre-release edition of The Weekly Wally during the appointment. He described the poll findings as encouraging. The dentist described the situation as routine.

The candidate was unavailable for comment, although several badges were believed to have expressed strong opinions on the matter.

It is not the first time Mr Hope’s campaign transport has attracted attention. In 2019 he was photographed canvassing in a child’s pedal car decorated with rosettes, and in 2021 witnesses reported seeing him conducting a surgery from a garden tractor with OFFICIAL CAMPAIGN VEHICLE painted on the side in yellow letters. His transport arrangements for the final week of the Makerfield campaign remain unconfirmed. Mr Hope said only that it would be suitable for the occasion.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

Not My Problem — The Starmeroids

Still not their problem.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review. The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.

WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR

98% love the Loonies.
2% remain under investigation.
Experts describe findings as concerning.
Further polling is expected.
Nobody knows what happened to the other 2%.
Tac was unavailable for comment.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac was unavailable for comment.

The Weekly Wally respects Tac’s long-standing policy regarding media enquiries.

TAC — WHO IS HE?

Regular readers will be familiar with Tac, The Weekly Wally’s resident observer and de facto editorial conscience. A lean black cat with a distinctive white chest patch and amber eyes, Tac has been present at some of the most significant political moments of recent months, maintaining throughout a dignified silence that many senior politicians might do well to emulate.

Tac has so far declined all requests for comment, interview, or policy statement. The Weekly Wally understands this position to be non-negotiable.

Speculation continues to mount, however, about Tac’s own political ambitions. With the Makerfield by-election attracting candidates from across the political spectrum, sources close to The Weekly Wally have suggested that a mayoral run cannot be entirely ruled out. Asked directly whether he would consider standing for Greater Manchester Mayor should the position become available, Tac was unavailable for comment.

The Weekly Wally will continue to monitor the situation.