THE WEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 20 August 2026Issue 12PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

ELECTION SPOTTERS GEAR UP FOR BUMPER FEW WEEKS

The nation's most dedicated by-election trackers were caught on camera mid-observation, by a television crew that had arrived to interview someone else entirely.

A television reporter holds a microphone toward an unenthusiastic man on a high street. Behind them, two enthusiastic men in short-sleeved shirts watch a noticeboard headed Council By-Elections August; one holds a notebook and the other points at the list of dates and wards. A black cat with a small white chest patch sits below the board.

By Mr Sleeper
Politics Correspondent

A T.W.W. News crew visiting Clacton this week to gauge public appetite for the coming run of council by-elections found the assignment complicated when it emerged that the two most enthusiastic people on the high street were not, in fact, members of the public.

The pair have since been identified as senior figures within C.L.A.C.T.O.N., the Constituency & Local Authority Contest Trackers and Observers Network, a body understood to monitor by-election activity nationwide with what colleagues describe as real commitment. Nine council by-elections remain before the end of the month, a figure the Network had apparently been aware of for some time.

The Network, whose members are more accustomed to observing others, expressed mild surprise at finding themselves the subject of observation, though several other members were reportedly already aware and had, in fact, been tracking the crew's arrival since Tuesday.

"They are nothing to do with us," said a government spokesman. "We have enough departments already." The spokesman was speaking on behalf of the Cross-Departmental Committee for the Avoidance of Departmental Duplication.

At the time of going to press, C.L.A.C.T.O.N. members were understood to be monitoring the situation.

STARMEROIDS SINGER CONTENT AS RIVAL'S PLEDGES QUIETLY COME TRUE

Returned Clacton MP and Chamber Records artist spends results evening at home, watching three of his defeated opponent's manifesto pledges take effect regardless.

A man in a studded leather jacket and mohawk sits in an armchair holding a soft-serve ice cream cone, with a 99p price card beside him. An Adele concert poster on the wall is stamped NATIONALISED, while a television shows the Clacton by-election result on Ceefax: Farage 22,239, Binface 9,455 and turnout 44.4 percent. A black cat with a small white chest patch sits watching the screen.

By Mr Assumption
Speculation Correspondent

Nigel Farage, the Chamber Records artist and returned MP for Clacton, marked his victory on Friday evening in typically understated fashion, at home, in an armchair, with a 99 Flake and Ceefax for company.

Having done the work of winning the seat, he was, by all accounts, entirely at ease watching three of runner-up Count Binface's longstanding manifesto pledges come to pass regardless. The Count Binface Party's Clacton manifesto, published 27 July, carried forward the return of Ceefax, a fixed 99 pence price for 99 Flake ice creams, and the nationalisation of Adele. By Friday evening, all three were, in one Clacton sitting room at least, effectively in place.

A framed Adele Live 2016 poster on the wall behind him had been freshly stamped NATIONALISED. Colleagues describe Mr Farage as characteristically relaxed about the arrangement.

At the time of going to press, Mr Farage was understood to still be finishing the ice cream.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

WHEN THE SEA BEGAN TO SING — The Starmeroids

A broadcast from just outside the law, and just outside Broadcasting House's jurisdiction. Chorus one finds the signal anchored off Felixstowe, March 1964, not Frinton, whatever anyone tells you. Available on all major platforms.