THE WEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.uk Thursday 18 June 2026 Issue 3 PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

Issue 3

Thursday 18 June 2026. Two-page edition.

Page 1 — Main

EVERYONE CLAIMS VICTORY

OFFICE FOR EXIT ASSESSMENT — COUNTING COMPLETE

A Loony Party candidate rides in a badge-covered campaign vehicle behind a police motorcycle while supporters and confetti fill the street.

Officials across Makerfield have confirmed that multiple parties are satisfied with the outcome of the by-election. The nature of the outcome remains under review. Weekly Wally understands that votes were cast, counted, and subsequently discussed. Several candidates expressed confidence before the count. Several candidates expressed confidence during the count. Several candidates expressed confidence afterwards.

The process continues.

STORY CONTINUES ON PAGES 5, 7, 9 AND 11.

OFFICE FOR EXIT ASSESSMENT — COUNTING COMPLETE

Officials confirm result consistent with number of candidates standing.

The Office for Exit Assessment confirmed overnight that the Makerfield result is consistent with the number of candidates who stood in the election.

Chief Counting Officer Harriet Brain said all votes had been counted out before being counted back.

The Office further confirmed that the final figures were consistent with the number of candidates standing.

Further analysis is ongoing.

No further information was provided.

“We counted them all out and we counted them all back.”
Harriet Brain, Chief Counting Officer, Office for Exit Assessment.

ALAN HOWLING LAUD HOPE VICTORY REMAINS MATHEMATICALLY POSSIBLE

A report is forthcoming.

A dentist examines a startled Loony Party candidate covered in campaign badges while Tac sits nearby and a newspaper headline is held behind them.

The Weekly Wally understands that under certain mathematical conditions which have not been independently verified, the Makerfield result remains consistent with an Alan Howling Laud Hope victory.

The Office for Exit Assessment confirmed that the figures are what they are.

Officials were unable to confirm the specific conditions under which the calculation is valid.

A report is forthcoming.

The process continues.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

Will Keir Still Be There — The Starmeroids

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending. The Trot Poll has confirmed the song is number one. The Trot Poll was unavailable to confirm which chart it was measuring. A spokesperson for the Popular Music Oversight Board confirmed the findings are concerning. The spokesperson was unavailable to elaborate. The process continues.

Page 2 — By-Election Special

SCOTLAND SCORE — HISTORIC COUNTER THREATENED

COUNTER RESET ATTEMPT ENDS IN TECHNICAL FAULT

Two Scotland supporters and Tac face a television beneath an electronic counter showing 10,244 days since Scotland scored a World Cup goal.

Scotland supporters celebrated this week after Scotland scored a World Cup goal for the first time in 10,244 days.

Attention subsequently turned to the large electronic display recording the number of days since Scotland last scored a World Cup goal.

Witnesses reported that supporters Craig and Charlie spent several minutes attempting to remember how the display should be reset.

When this proved unsuccessful, a more direct approach was reportedly attempted.

Moments later, television coverage experienced a technical fault.

Officials confirmed that the display continues to show 10,244 days pending further investigation.

No connection between the two events has been established.

Still Believing Bets was unavailable for comment.

The process continues.

The accompanying photograph was taken moments after Craig and Charlie established that neither of them knew how the counter was supposed to be reset.

RARE EVERTON SIGHTING RECORDED IN MANCHESTER TERRITORY

Photographers caught event by chance.

A man in an Everton shirt runs through a safari park while Manchester United supporters watch from behind a fence and wildlife photographers look on.

Wildlife photographers visiting the Makerfield Star Safari Park have recorded what experts believe to be a rare Everton sighting in Manchester United territory. The images were captured during a routine photography session.

Witnesses reported a period of uncertainty among nearby Manchester United supporters as the event unfolded. Several appeared unsure whether any action was required. One supporter appeared to be considering his options, while another appeared to be pretending the event was not taking place.

St John’s Ambulance volunteers attended as a precaution.

Review of the photographs later revealed the presence of an Everton shirt moving through the area. Experts believe the sighting may involve Burnham, although confirmation remains difficult due to the speed of movement.

UNDECIDED VOTER REACHES DECISION

Timing proves unfortunate.

Makerfield’s last undecided voter confirmed on Thursday evening that a decision had finally been reached.

Witnesses reported that the voter spent several minutes outside a polling station considering the available options.

Having reached a conclusion, the voter immediately proceeded towards the entrance. The voter described the timing as “not ideal”.

Witnesses reported a brief period of disappointment as officials confirmed that polling had ended.