NATION’S DEFENCE IN SAFE HANDS, CLAIM EX-MINISTERS WHO STILL CAN’T TURN LEFT

Government confirms biggest home defence exercise in decades. Somewhere in Westminster, a smaller pilot scheme has already begun, and it isn’t going well.

Former ministers take part in a confused Westminster Home Guard drill in Victoria Tower Gardens while Tac watches.

By Mr Sleeper
Politics Correspondent

The government yesterday confirmed Operation Albiston Shadow, Britain’s largest home defence exercise in several decades, due to run next year and designed, ministers say, to ensure that should the worst ever happen, the country will always be ready.

Encouragingly, preparations appear to already be under way. Our photographer was on hand in Victoria Tower Gardens this week to capture the newly formed Westminster Home Guard mid-exercise, a volunteer unit understood to be made up entirely of former Cabinet ministers who felt their skills were being under-used now that nobody is asking them to run the country any more.

Progress has been mixed. A basic left-turn drill reportedly took several attempts, with only one member of the platoon, understood to have genuine military experience, actually managing it. The remainder are said to have continued facing roughly the direction they were already facing, with quiet confidence.

Elsewhere in the unit, old habits have proved difficult to shake. One officer was seen still clutching a stack of folders, including Minutes of Last Meeting and Review of Sandbag Procurement, despite there being, as far as this newspaper is aware, no meeting. Another member of the platoon was seen personally checking a defensive sandbag wall for planning permission, which she duly granted.

A Downing Street spokesperson said the government welcomes all contributions to national resilience, however unusual, and declined to say whether the Westminster Home Guard’s activities were connected to the official exercise in any way.

PUBLIC ENQUIRY BLAMED FOR ENGLAND’S WORLD CUP EXIT, CLAIMS FURIOUS NATION

A new remote was purchased just in time for kick-off. Experts say this may have been the problem.

Officials conduct a formal enquiry into a missing television remote while England’s match is shown and Tac watches.

By Mr Assumption
Speculation Correspondent

England’s World Cup semi-final defeat to Argentina on Wednesday has been blamed on a number of factors, including tactics, fatigue, and Lionel Messi. This newspaper can reveal there may be a simpler explanation.

Readers will recall the Public Enquiry Into The Missing Remote, launched some weeks ago after the original device went missing from a Westminster location this newspaper has previously covered in some detail. That enquiry, we understand, remains ongoing, at a cost yet to be fully disclosed.

In the meantime, a replacement remote was reportedly purchased and put into service only hours before kick-off. Whether the two events are connected has not been established, though this newspaper notes that they have not been ruled out either.

A source close to the enquiry, speaking on condition of anonymity, said only: We are aware of the timing. We are not currently in a position to comment further.

Fans have been quick to draw their own conclusions. You wait weeks for a working remote, then the minute you get one, we lose to Argentina, said one supporter outside the ground. Coincidence? I’m not saying it’s not. I’m also not saying it is.

The enquiry into the original missing remote is expected to continue for some time.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac, a black cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, sits upright indoors.

Tac was unavailable for comment.

The Weekly Wally respects Tac’s long-standing policy regarding media enquiries.

TAC — WHO IS HE?

INVESTIGATION CONTINUES

By Staff Reporter

The Weekly Wally’s ongoing investigation into the identity and background of Tac, the publication’s resident observer and de facto editorial conscience, continues this week without resolution.

Tac’s file has again come to the attention of extraterrestrial observers, following renewed activity at the Observation Room above Earth, understood to be monitoring both the Westminster Home Guard exercise and the ongoing milkshake shortage. Alien records continue to describe Tac’s Species, Function, and Threat Level as Unknown, with his Status remaining at Monitoring.

Officials stressed that Tac’s continued silence should not be interpreted as non-cooperation. This newspaper agrees.

MILKSHAKE WATCH

Shortage worsens as panic buying continues.

Supplies remain critically low nationwide, more than a week after stocks first began disappearing without explanation. Retailers report empty shelves within minutes of restocking. The government has declined to comment on reports of unusual lights observed near supermarket loading bays.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

I Wasn’t Told — The Starmeroids

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review. The Weekly Wally understands several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.