NUMBER 10 LECTERN STOLEN IN WEEKEND RAID, THIS NEWSPAPER UNDERSTANDS

Downing Street insists no lectern was requested. This newspaper has considered that, and moved on.

Andy Burnham gives his first address outside Number 10 without a lectern and angrily asks who took it while Tac watches.

By Mr Assumption
Speculation Correspondent

The new Prime Minister was forced to deliver his first address to the nation on Monday without a lectern, in what this newspaper can now reveal was almost certainly a planned removal carried out over the weekend.

The evidence is difficult to ignore. There was a lectern at every recent address. There was no lectern on Monday. Between those two dates, a weekend took place, and the building changed hands.

This newspaper is not accusing anyone. We are simply laying out the sequence and inviting readers to reach the conclusion we have already reached.

Downing Street has stated that no lectern was requested for Monday’s address. This newspaper notes that a request would not have been necessary if the lectern was already there, which it was, until it wasn’t.

The Prime Minister himself appeared to share our concerns, asking on camera who had taken it and naming a former colleague. Officials later described the remark as a joke. This newspaper has watched the footage four times and is not convinced.

The sound engineer responsible for setting up the lectern before every recent address had an unusually quiet morning. He is not a suspect. He has not been contacted. He remains of interest.

One Whitehall source suggested the Prime Minister may simply have chosen not to use a lectern, as a deliberate break with tradition. This newspaper thanked the source for his time.

FORMER PM UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT, SAY OFFICIALS WHO HAVE TRIED SIX TIMES

He was located within the hour. He has not looked up since.

The former Prime Minister sits in a deckchair on the South Bank wearing a crown and listening quietly while Tac sits nearby.

By Mr Sleeper

The former Prime Minister was photographed yesterday afternoon in a deckchair on the South Bank, wearing a crown, approximately eleven minutes from the office that has been trying to reach him since Monday.

Six calls have been placed. Officials confirmed the calls were made. Officials confirmed the calls were logged. Officials would not confirm whether a seventh is planned, describing the matter as under review.

A passer-by said he had been there since lunchtime and had not moved except to adjust the chair. He looked comfortable, she said. Nobody’s bothering him. I think that’s the point.

A source described his mood as settled.

Asked directly whether the former Prime Minister was in possession of a lectern, a spokesperson said the question had been noted.

The crown is understood to be a personal matter.

TAC’S VERDICT

Tac, a black cat with amber eyes and a small white chest patch, sits upright indoors.

Tac declined to speculate.

The Weekly Wally respects Tac’s long-standing policy regarding media enquiries.

TAC — WHO IS HE?

INVESTIGATION CONTINUES

By Staff Reporter

The Weekly Wally’s investigation into the identity and background of Tac, this publication’s resident observer and de facto editorial conscience, continues without resolution.

Tac was present at both of this week’s principal events. He has not been asked to account for this, and would not be expected to respond if he were. His Species, Function and Threat Level remain Unknown. His Status remains Monitoring.

Officials stressed that Tac’s continued silence should not be interpreted as non-cooperation. This newspaper agrees.

MILKSHAKE WATCH

Second week, no explanation offered.

Supplies remain critically low, with retailers now reporting that deliveries are disappearing between the loading bay and the shelf. One supermarket has stopped announcing restock times altogether, saying it only made things worse.

The unusual lights were seen again on Tuesday, this time over Clacton, where a by-election campaign is under way. Count Binface has been ruled out as a suspect.

The government has confirmed it is aware of the shortage and declined to say since when.