THE WEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 6 August 2026Issue 10PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

ROCKET HITS MOON, COUNT REMAINS IN CLACTON

Return arrangements described as under review.

At night on Clacton seafront, Count Binface stands with his back to the viewer looking towards the full Moon. Tac looks down at a copy of The Weekly Wally beside posters reading Bins Not Bombs and Missing Clacton Man.

By Mr Sleeper
Politics Correspondent

A rocket stage struck the Moon early on Wednesday 5 August, officials have confirmed. The stage had been in space since January 2025, having completed the task for which it was built, and was subsequently left where it was in accordance with normal practice.

Officials stressed that nothing had failed, that no rule had been broken, and that no rule exists.

Attention has since turned to Count Binface, who was observed on Clacton seafront at the time of impact and who remains there.

Options before officials include a replacement lunar shuttle service, a sea-based catapult, and a sufficiently large bungee cord. All three are being assessed against value for money. Asked whether any had been used before, officials said this was among the matters under review.

Asked how he intended to get home, Count Binface did not outline a plan.

At the time of going to press, Count Binface remained in Clacton.

THIS ISSUE SEEN BEFORE PRINTING

By the Speculation Correspondent

A copy of today’s edition was observed on Clacton seafront on Wednesday evening, before today’s edition had been printed.

Officials confirmed that copies recovered so far show minor textual degradation consistent with retrograde transit, including at least one correspondent’s name. The correspondent has been informed.

Readers who have already read today’s issue are asked not to place bets on the basis of it.

SOLICITORS FORM WHAM TRIBUTE ACT

Repeated denials described as consistent with strict promotional secrecy.

Three men in dark suits relax on sun loungers at a beach club beneath a Club Tropicana sign. Legal papers, an eight-year planning folder and a paid invoice lie nearby while Tac examines the paperwork.

By the Speculation Correspondent

A group believed by this newspaper to include several solicitors frequently seen near government work has formed a Wham tribute act.

Production is thought to have been suspended after a bundle of legal papers was filed with the crew.

Photographs show the group at a beach location beneath a sign reading Club Tropicana. A legal file visible in the images is understood to be the shooting script. An eight-year planning folder on the table has been identified as the production schedule. An invoice marked PAID suggests distribution has already been secured.

The suits point to a darker and more mature reinterpretation of the original video.

A spokesperson said there was no band, that there had never been a band, and that nobody involved could sing.

A formal check has since established that the men had not dressed as solicitors for a video. They had dressed as solicitors because they were solicitors.

The editor of this newspaper wishes to make clear that there is no band.

Our Speculation Correspondent observes that this is exactly what would be said if there were.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

WHERE’S THE CLACTON MAN? — The Starmeroids

A missing-persons appeal in song form. Its subject is reported to be on television every night but never on the beach; the seafront, the pier and the caravan have all been searched without result. The Trot Poll confirms the single is rising, and that the gulls continue to see more of Clacton than the Clacton man does. Available on all major platforms. This newspaper is pleased to note that the question posed by the title is addressed, in part, elsewhere in today’s issue.